Disciple: What to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Starting the difficult conversations

By The Rev. Dr. Cathy L. Deats

All of us have faced times when we felt at a loss for words. Many of these encounters might be described as “difficult conversations.” There are difficult conversations in close relationships, such as clearing up a misunderstanding or discussing with whose family you will spend the holidays. These conversations are important to pursue in order to maintain or deepen the relationship. Other difficult conversations involve traditionally “taboo” subjects, such as sex, politics and religion. Still other situations problematic for communication include all types of bad news: a friend is getting a divorce, a friend or family member is facing a struggle, there has been a death in the family, or someone at work has been diagnosed with cancer.

What these three types of difficult conversations have in common is that they are potentially emotionally charged. This is to be expected as we finally talk about the things we traditionally have not been supposed to talk about or the things that make us uncomfortable. Sometimes even if we want to have the conversations we have no idea how to get them started. But there are ways to approach these talks and steps that can be taken to help facilitate the process and get the tough conversations underway.

SET UP SOME GROUND RULES. This is a technique used in many applications of conflict resolution, and it may seem a bit mechanical when used in a personal, one-on-one conversation. However, it is well worth the effort and can, in fact, act to reduce the level of any emotional charge we may bring to conversations about topics such as race or religion. An example: “We may not agree, but I want to gain an understanding of what you have to say/believe, and I want you to understand what I am trying to say/believe.” It is the Western equivalent of agreeing to check one’s guns at the door.

IF YOU HAVE NO WORDS, SAY NO WORDS. Silence is an acceptable response. It is also fine to admit “There are no words for this,” or “I don’t know what to say.” Listening is a valuable response, whether it is listening to words, tears or the other’s silence.

INVITE THE OTHER PERSON INTO THE CONVERSATION. The person with whom you’re speaking may be as unsure of how to begin as you are; let them in and give them a chance to be part of the solution: “I am not sure how to start this conversation; do you have a sense of how we can begin?” You can also invite God into the conversation: “Let’s just pray for a moment together in silence and ask God to guide us in this conversation and help us get to a good end.”

IDENTIFY THE “ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.” This term is helpful because it reminds us to consider what is unsaid. Often voicing the unsaid reduces the anxiety that arises in a difficult conversation. “I am really nervous about having this conversation, and I think it is important enough to have it despite how anxious I feel.”

WHAT NOT TO SAY:

• “I know how you feel.” (You do not.)
• “You must feel sad/relieved/angry.” (Almost always wrong.)
• “My sister/brother/aunt had colon cancer/breast cancer/a stroke and they are doing fine.” (Irrelevant.)
• “God never gives anyone more than they can handle.” (Even if you believe this, do not say it. Many people have had to deal with more than they can handle.)

See: Be sincere.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY:

• “I will pray for you.”
• “Whatever is going on, I care for you.”
• “I am so sorry to hear that.”
• “How are you doing with that?”
• “How can I help you?”
• “I care for you.”
• “I love you.”

Any statement that expresses empathy and desire to be present in any useful way possible will usually be welcomed.

 

WHAT IF YOU KNOW SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NOT KNOW? Bad news travels fast. Suppose you have heard someone has been diagnosed with cancer, but she did not inform you herself. While you may have a deep desire to express your support, the information is the individual’s to share or not. Your desire to help is secondary to the individual’s right to share with you if she chooses. There is also the possibility that what you have heard is not accurate. Respect the person’s right to manage her own privacy, and hold her in prayer.

JUST SAY NO. Often people in trouble or grief do not have the emotional energy to refuse offers of help, visits or the like. You may wish to offer them the following permission: “You know that social convention is to say ‘come in,’ when someone shows up at your door. I am giving you a ‘Social Get Out of Jail Free Card.’ This means if I show up and you don’t feel like entertaining my visit, you may tell me you do not wish to have company right now.” The interesting part of this tongue-in-cheek offer is that even if the person never says no to anyone who comes to the door, the permission itself can provide a comfort.

IF THE CONVERSATION GOES “BAD,” you need space; if a difficult conversation deteriorates, you can call for a temporary stop or a break. It is okay to say, “Oh my gosh, just a minute! We made a left turn into a place I did not plan. Can you help me get oriented to what is happening?” If there is hostility, name it. “Whoa! Apparently I just stepped on something I did not mean to step on; I want to understand what you are saying, but when you talk to me with that language, the only thing it does is make me defensive.” People cannot always stop the spiral of hostility. A shouting match is not productive; you can call it quits: “I will not have a shouting match, I will stop now, and I hope we can come back to this.” The message is the conversation is over for now, not forever.

A CONVERSATION MAY REVEAL A PROBLEM REQUIRING PROFESSIONAL HELP. It is conceivable that these types of conversations reveal problems that require intervention in order for a person to be safe: domestic abuse, alcohol, drug or other substance abuse, or health issues that require immediate care. You can act responsibly by suggesting a referral: “I don’t know much about this issue, but I do know it requires professional help.” Be straightforward and ready for objection. Repeat your care for the person and his need to be safe and healthy. You can offer to help the person find a resource and continue to be a supportive presence, while doing all you can for the health and safety of the person.

Note: Someone who threatens suicide must be taken seriously. Call 911 or your local mental health emergency services immediately.

BE SINCERE. This is actually the first rule and the last. If you are as honest and sincere as you can be, it is unlikely you will say the “wrong” thing or find whatever you say held permanently against you. Do not offer to do anything you are not willing to do. If you promise to call or visit, take extra pains to be sure you follow through. If you need a moment to respond, say so: “Give me a moment to think this over;” “What you said is too important for me to respond off the top of my head;” “Hearing about your sister is shocking; I don’t know what to say.”

Reaching out and being sensitive to others in the midst of difficult conversations can be challenging, but it is well worth the effort. If we listen to what people say, how they say it, and always listen attentively for subtext, our conversations will be graced.

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The Rev. Dr. Cathy L. Deats is an associate rector at St. Paul’s, Cary, and a North Carolina Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW).

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*In developing this article, several folks throughout the Diocese agreed to share their own experiences with tough conversations relating to issues they faced; they shared this in the hope their stories and advice will help others who may be faced with similar situations. We are truly grateful and give thanks to them all.

WHEN YOU’RE FRUSTRATED

As a priest, I was asked to officiate at the funeral of a young man. A conference call to discuss the arrangements was set up between the family and me. I am legally blind, and so I take extra time to be sure I have the proper codes in a format I can manage.

So I said, “I am so sorry, but I need a minute to calm down from being so irritated…. It made all the difference in our conversation.”

On this particular day, the code was not working, and it took more than ten minutes to be connected to a human person [in customer service] to get assistance with the connection.

When I was finally connected, I apologized for my lateness but was so agitated that I knew I would not be able to be as attentive as I needed to be to the needs of this family. So I said, “I am so sorry, but I need a minute to calm down from being so irritated with the phone difficulty. Since it will not be good to have this conversation while I am irritated, can we please pray in silence for a minute?”

Of course, the family was most gracious, and we took that minute of silence. It made all the difference in our conversation, and, I would venture to say, in the funeral as well.

-Jim W.

WHEN YOUR FRIEND IS GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE

When I was going through my separation and divorce in 2012, I felt so amazingly blessed, even though I was walking through one of the most difficult and disorienting times of my life.

As a Christian, and as a priest, I had taken and kept my marriage vows with such care and seriousness, and to have them come apart left me sad, confused and adrift. So many people reached out to me – in person and online, with cards and letters and phone calls. Because I shared this news on social media, even people I did not know took time to offer me condolences and prayers, and even more importantly, to share their own stories. I found it profoundly comforting to have others, those I knew and those I did not know, confide in me their own marital troubles, past divorces or other intimacies they may not have ventured into unless they knew my circumstance. This reminded me I was not alone, and also how even in the worst of times, we can be a healing presence to one another.

I found it profoundly comforting to have others, those I knew and those I did not know, confide in me their own marital troubles, past divorces or other intimacies they may not have ventured into unless they knew my circumstance.

Another crucially important help to me was the matter of sin. I believe that divorce is a sin, and therefore I had to grapple with spiritual complexities as well as the emotional ones during my own divorce. Some people – though very few – seemed to be uncomfortable with this language, and I know there are so many ways that the word “sin” in the context of divorce has been used to judge and ostracize, especially women. Yet my faithful friends, lay and ordained, understood that for me, acknowledging my brokenness and the brokenness of my vows included acknowledging the wrong I did in the breaking of them, as well as my path back to right relationship with my former husband, my community and God. They walked beside me and prayed with me as I journeyed through not just sin and confession, but also through forgiveness, reconciliation and redemption. I am grateful beyond words to those who upheld me, and continue to uphold me, in Christian community.

Today I am recently remarried, and I carry with me a renewed sense of walking faithfully in God’s love. I continue to be grateful to walk beside so many also on this journey, the Christian journey, of being lost and then found, again and again, by a God, and a church, that never lets us go.

– Cathie C.

WHEN YOU SUSPECT YOUR CHILD IS ABUSING DRUGS OR ALCOHOL

How much a family is affected by substance abuse depends on how long they have lived with it, how advanced it is, how much shame and secrecy surrounds it, and the roles and responsibilities of the person with the disorder. If the problem is left untreated, family members will also develop destructive behaviors, such as denial, enabling and co-dependency.

However, at the end of every day, we keep the faith. We let go and let God.

We’ve traveled this painful road for more than five years with my daughter. She is now 19 years old. She has been taken from our home via a crisis interventionist at age 16 to a Wilderness Program, lived in a $400-a-day Residential Treatment Center, and spent time in countless rehabs, psych wards and hospitals.

Starting the conversation is tricky. Some kids will admit if confronted, but most won’t. If you think they’re using, they probably are; therefore, the sooner intervention takes place, the sooner they can get treatment. A non-confrontational approach may be more successful. Possibly something like this: “While you know that I don’t want you using drugs, it’s ultimately your decision whether or not you choose to use them.” “What kinds of things are important to you? How could using drugs keep you from doing those things or being who you want to be?”

Being afraid, judgmental, angry or punishing will only result in the ending of the conversation. Answers aren’t as important as the fact that parents and children are forging trust as a bond. Parents’ values do influence their kids.

Usually this is a progression of a series of conversations over time, time to embrace the feelings and emotions you have endured due to specific
“addictive” behavior such as: avoiding eye contact, hiding conversations, being vague, sleeping too much or too little, a loss of interest in things they used to love, grades dropping, “situations” occurring, changes in friends, appearance and attitude.

We have learned over time that until a child struggling with substance abuse is ready to change, we as parents are powerless. Addiction is an illness. It is a physical, mental and spiritual disease that affects every area of life, and we are powerless over it. All the money, love, help, work, sacrifice, therapy, treatment or pain won’t stop anything until that child wants to make the change to stop.

However, at the end of every day, we keep the faith. We let go and let God.

– Lisa S.

WHEN SOMEONE HAS LOST A LOVED ONE

I think lots of people said to me, “If you need anything, just call,” but frankly, I did not have the energy to call or even to think what I might need.

My husband died suddenly at the age of 43, leaving me with two young children. Of course, there were people who seemed to know instinctively what to do, and others who said things that were so unhelpful it was hard to believe. One person actually told me it was a blessing my husband did not suffer. All I could think was that I was suffering and my children were suffering, but it was as if she did not even see me or the kids. I wished she had said nothing. 

The angel I remember to this day is the one who called over the following weeks and months and said things like, “I made some beef stew today, and wondered if you would like some?” or “I am free on Saturday if you would like me to come by and stay with the kids for awhile while you run errands, or do what you need to do.”

I think lots of people said to me, “If you need anything, just call,” but frankly, I did not have the energy to call or even to think what I might need.

– Sarah K.

WHEN EVERYONE KNOWS, BUT NO ONE’S TALKING ABOUT IT

Our son was in his late teens when he was arrested on a DUI. We came to find out he had been abusing alcohol for more than a year, and we did not know it. We were so embarrassed because not only did we not yet understand the disease of alcoholism, but his arrest made the local papers. Some of our friends avoided us, or at least avoided talking about it, but we knew that they knew. We were just getting our bearings with our son’s addiction, and we were hurt by this.

Some of our friends avoided us, or at least avoided talking about it, but we knew that they knew.

About a month after the DUI had become public, an older woman from our congregation came up to us and told us that she had something to share with us. Her husband (now deceased) had been an alcoholic, and she had spent many years struggling with dealing with his disease. Then she said, “I found the Al-Anon program to be a big help to me. I know about your son’s arrest and am very sorry for your trouble. If you ever want to try a meeting, I will go with you the first time.”

– Michael A.

• Category: North Carolina Disciple